Scouse Humour

Scouse or the language spoken by Liverpudlians is famous for its wry humour. Scouse as a language is a delight to hear and Scousers are very proud people. Here are a collection of Scouse jokes down loaded from the net:

1) Heaven:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, the Archangel Gabriel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have You been?"  God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and pointed proudly downwards through the clouds, "Look Gabiel, look what I've made."

Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"  "It's a planet," replied God, "and I'vce put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."  "Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.  God explained, pointing to different parts of the Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.  God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work then pointed to a small populated area in the land of Great Britain and said, "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. That's Merseyside, the most glorious place on Earth. There's a beautiful river, glorious parks and buildings, great music and world dominating football teams.  The people from Liverpool are going to be modest, intelligent and humourous and they are going to be found travelling the world as expatriates. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high-achieving. and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration  but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance!"  God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the lazy, arrogant, bastards I'm putting next to them in Manchester."

2) Frocks

What do you call a Scouse woman in a white shell-suit?

The bride.

3) Caps

Three football fans were driving along when the spot a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do.  Unfortunately they found the nude body of a deceasd young woman.

Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Spurs hat over one breast.  The second guy, a Liverpool fan, placed his hat over the other breast.  The Manchester United fan then placed his hat over the woman's private parts.  Soon the [police arrived.  The coorner started checking over the body. He picked up the Spurs hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Liverpool and returned it.  Then he picked up the Man United Fan hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up for the third time. By this time the Man United fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat?  Are you some kind of pervert or something?"  The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Man United hats, there is an arsehole under it."

More jokes coming later. Please feel free to contribute. All jokes must be original Scouse jokes!

4)An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser.

An Aussie, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they sent him over a pint of Guiness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts their drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guiness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "my God! The arthritis I've had for over 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussies hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the Aussie's eyes widen in shock!: "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says. "Back off mate, I'm on disability benefit.

Here are some one-loners:

- Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

- All true wisdom is found on T-shirts

- The meek shall inherit the earth.....sfter we're through with it!

- Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

- Good health is the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

- Jesus loves you! It's everybody else who thinks you're an ass.

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

-A closed mouth gathers no foot.

-My Wild Oats have turned to Shredded Wheat!

- Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

- Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

- Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

- Chastity is curable, if detected early.

- Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

- Borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect to get them back.

- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- Artficial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

- Everyone has photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

- Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

- For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

- Conciousness: That annoying time between naps.

- Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

- I want patience...AND I WANT IT NOW!!!

- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

-There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

- Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf".

- On the other hand, you have different fingers.

- A day without sunshine is like night.

- A seminar about time travel will be held two weeks ago.

- Alzheimer's advantage: New friends everyday.

- An unbreakable toy is used for breaking other toys.

- Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

- I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

- Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

- Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

- I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

(Taken from www.scousehouse.net)

Here's another great joke I found:

An old man came up to me at the cash machine and asked me to check his balance..... so I pushed him.